dazwaf

Funnii Things

WHAT NOT TO SAY DURING SEX!!!

But everyone looks funny naked.

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera.

Do you smell something burning?

[IN A BROOM CUPBOARD] And they say romance is dead.

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

But whipped cream makes me break out.

[FIRST PERSON] This is your first time right?
[SECOND PERSON] Yeah, today!

Hurry up, this room rents by the hour!

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZzzzzzzzz.......

On second thoughts, lets turn off the lights.

And to think; I was really trying to pick up your friend.

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Simle, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs.

I want a baby.

So much for fulfillment of sexual fantasies.

[IN A MENAGE A TROIS] Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr Ruth.

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living.

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

That leak better be from the waterbed.

I told you it wouldn't work without the batteries.

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

Did I tell you my Aunt Ethel died in this bed.

If you quit smoking you may have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't need to inflate.

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why they dumped you.

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What Tampon?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight i would have taken a duck home!

Were you by any chance, repressed as a child?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something.

Did you come yet, darling?

I'll tell you who I'm fantisizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.

Does this count as a date?

Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed.

[IN A PHONE BOOTH] Do you mind if I make a few calls?

You could at least act like you're enjoying it.

Petrolleum Jelly or no Petrolleum Jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.

Hey, when's it going to be my friends turn?

Please understand I'm only doing this for a raise.

How long do you plan to be almost there?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Could you pass me the TV remote control?

Laws On Sex!!

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Never have sex with people who work in the same office.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones that she can't stand years later.

Sex is only dirty if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of the month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, the chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, thay pray for crop failure on Sunday.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there's nothing quite like it.

Love thy neighbour, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into the space program, we would now have internet-cafes on the moon.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn usually gets most of the blankets.

You cannot make a baby in a month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shall not commit adultery, unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.

Never argue with a woman if she's tired, or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had and a man never forgets the women he couldn't have.

What matters is not the length of the wand but the magic in the stick.

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

WHY STUDY IS BETTA THAN SEX

You can usually find someone to do it with.

If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.

You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

When you open a book, you don't have to worry who else has had it.

A little coffee and you can do it all night.

If you don't finish a chapter you won't get a reputation as a "book teaser".

You can do it, eat, and watch TV all at the same time.

You don't get embarrased if your flatmate/parents/etc interrupt you in the middle.

You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask a friend for help.

WHY DOGS ARE THE SAME AS MEN

Both take up too much room on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crothes.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understand what you see in cats.

WHAT YOU DNT WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.What's that? Oh well, take it out.

Anyone see where I left my scalpel?

Don't put that there!

Hey, you got insurance?

Everyone stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Accept this sacrifice oh great Lord of Darkness!

Someone call the janitor, we're going to need a mop in here.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if that's the spleen, then what's that?

What's this doing here?

Sterile, schcmerile, the floor's clean.

Don't worry, I think it is sharp enough.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

Anyone seen my scalpel?

Oops! Has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? What is it anyway?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation chart?

Turn off that camera, don't let the lawyers see it!

Hand me that...uh...uh...thingie.

Better save that, we'll need it for the autospy.

Hey, stop it with that gas!I feel happy.

HOW TO GET THRU A CRISIS!!!

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preperation.

Hapiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes to drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

No one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

There is always one more inbecile than you counted on.

This is as bad as it gets, but don't count on it.

Never wrestle with a pig: you both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

Piczo